Happy Giveaways!

I should start blogging again. I'm just going to do what I used to do on Xanga. I'm going to write about whatever I want, no matter how stupid and random it is. I've noticed I tend to write when I'm feeling very down, but I'm going to try and change that. I'm going to make this blog into a place where I share links to giveaways, my wins, and just general happy things.

To start off, here's a giveaway from Maryam Maquillage. Let me tell you, she is absolutely gorgeous! She's basically perfect. Her makeup is always flawless. I love her eyebrows. Enter her giveaway! It's quick and easy!

http://www.maryammaquillage.com/2013/12/missha-fatal-aura-holiday-makeup.html

Child Exploitation?

I am going to be so mean right now, so please bear with me. There was a kid, maybe around 12-13 years old, playing piano outside by Chase and he was selling CDs for $10. I'm sorry, but holy cow. He was TERRIBLE. Oh, the way he ruined Bach and Mozart almost made me cry. He was haphazardly playing with tons of wrong notes and with absolutely no feeling. You would expect the kid to be pretty good to be selling CDs, but no. Goodness gracious, my ears! There are plenty of kids who are much better than he is, but they don't profit off their talent like that. It has to be the parents' idea. I played those pieces when I was his age. Did I sell CDs? No! What's even worse was that a huge crowd was standing around him as if he were extraordinary. Did they not have ears? 

Look, it's great that he plays and music is great for children, but I really don't see why he's selling CDs. I wouldn't have minded if he was just playing, but it's the fact that his dad was there trying to sell CDs. I just found that so wrong. The way he was playing was robotic. Even the look on his face while he was playing was emotionless. That's not how you play piano! Just because you can "play" a piece, doesn't mean you can PLAY a piece. I just wanted to go over there and show him how to play correctly. 

I don't even think the parents are proud of how he plays piano. They just want to make money out of it. What the heck is that? I wonder if he enjoys playing or if he's simply doing it to appease his parents.

Self-conscious

I'm still looking for a dress for my brother's wedding. I honestly have no idea what I'm looking for. It doesn't help that I'm incredibly self-conscious. What kind of shape do I want? Fabric? Length? Color? Gah! It's all too overwhelming. I've also come to realize that I have really big hips. My outer thighs are huge. I also think I have a long torso. This search has really made me feel crappy about my body. How do you even shrink your outer thighs? 

For as long as I remember, I've been very self-conscious. I remember when I was getting my senior portrait taken in high school, the photographer was extremely rude to me. I have pretty small eyes and I've always hated them. I guess I wasn't looking at the right place because he was getting frustrated with me. He actually said something like "What are you looking at? Do you have a lazy eye?" Of course, that made me very uncomfortable and I wound up looking terrible in my pictures. I seriously didn't know where to look at the camera. If he gave me some direction, maybe I would've known. And no. I don't have a lazy eye, asshole. I have perfect vision, which people with a lazy eye usually don't have. What kind of photographer says something like that? 

Ever since, I've been really uncomfortable when someone takes a picture of me. That's why you don't really see any pictures of my friends or relatives with me on my facebook page. I'm okay with taking pictures when I'm alone a.k.a. selfies, but I actually get very anxious when people take pictures of me. I try to smile, but I can feel my mouth quivering and my face getting hot. I usually look very awkward in pictures and I hate it when friends tag me in their pictures. 

It's also difficult for me when I meet new people. I think many people think that I'm standoffish when I first meet them. It's really because I'm very nervous. I'm so afraid that they'll judge me by my appearance that I avoid eye contact. This also makes things difficult when I go on a first date. I've done some online dating and goodness, I'm a nervous wreck. I think this is why I'm still single. I'm just way too concerned about how I look. I wish I could loosen up and just be myself. I think by not making eye contact and being really nervous, the guy probably thinks I'm not interested. Or maybe I'm just ugly. I don't know. 

I often think that I'm unattractive. I hate my eyes, I need braces again, I'm not in amazing shape, I hate the shape of my face (it's too long), I'm just a mess overall. I know guys like confident girls, so I'm shit out of luck in that department. I really wish that I could just not give a crap about what other people think and make people take me as I am. I really envy people who are outgoing and have no trouble meeting new people. 

So, I'll continue with my dress search. I'll probably wind up wearing something I don't love. I'll probably just settle. That's the story of my life. 

Do I look fat in this?

I went shopping yesterday and tried on a bunch of clothes. A few hours of shopping and I came home empty-handed. Well, I bought three pairs of underwear, but who's going to see that? Nobody! Sigh. 

I was in a dressing room at H&M and overheard a girl asking a guy if he could see her stomach in the dress she was wearing. I could clearly hear the reluctance in his voice and he said, "Um, it shows a little, but will that bother you? It's fine if you're okay with it." She said, "I don't care! Doesn't this dress make me look skinny, though?!" I don't know if he was being really nice, if it was just a really tight dress and anybody with more than 1% body fat would look fat in it, or if she was seriously deluded. I wish I saw what she looked like. I'm thinking he was being way too nice. I also think she was probably fishing for a compliment, but didn't get one. 

I tried on a few casual dresses to wear when I go out with my girls, but ugh. I looked terrible. I lost some weight recently and I had the nerve to try on some tighter dresses. I think this has discouraged me even more! I had a pooch and no matter how much I sucked in my stomach, it was still there. I was totally bummed out. I thought my body was looking better, but I've been fooling myself. I'm still a flabby mess. I had my eye on a dress from ASOS, but now I'm having second thoughts because it's a very body conscious dress. 

Looking for a dress for my brother's wedding has been a complete failure. I don't think I'm THAT picky. It's my brother's wedding! I can't just wear some random, ordinary dress. It needs to be fabulous! I just can't seem to find the right dress. If I could do advanced sewing, I would totally make my own dress. I just don't see what I like. I'm the type of person who has to love something in order for me to buy it. If there's even just one tiny thing that I don't like, I won't buy it. Another problem is that the dresses I DO want to buy are just way too expensive. I know it's supposed to be a special dress, but I just can't justify paying over $500 for a dress. The only dress I'd pay that much for would be my wedding dress. I'm not the one getting married here, so no $500 dress for me!

I really need to start exercising more. I don't want to be a blob. I really hope I'll find a dress that I'll love or else I might just have to go to my brother's wedding in my bedsheets. 

Giveaway!

I'm a giveaway addict and I've actually been very lucky this year. From time to time, I'll blog about giveaways so you can enter, too! If you win, you better share the prizes with me! Today, I'll be blogging about Maryam Maquillage's giveaway with Glossybox and Beauty Addicts. First of all, I think she's absolutely GORGEOUS. When I was Googling around for beauty tutorials, I stumbled across her blog and I was just in awe with how pretty she is. I believe she's Eurasian. I don't want to brag, but I think any mix with Asian is usually absolutely beautiful. Why can't I find a mixed Asian man?! Hello, Daniel Henney. I'm single! 

Anyway, totally went off on a tangent. This is her YouTube video about her giveaway. Feel free to enter if you'd like. Maryam Maquillage Giveaway

Good luck! 

Working Out

I did Zumba today and I was terrible. I think I have two left feet. I mean, I think I'm okay with just dancing like whatever at a club. It's choreography that I just can't seem to follow. It was so embarrassing! Plus, I forgot to wear a sports bra and the girls were just all over the place. My two big toes are sore, too. It's from constantly hitting the inside of my sneakers. My toes don't hurt when I'm on the treadmill, so I don't know why my toes hurt so much after Zumba. I imagine tennis players have the same problem with the running and sudden stopping. I wonder how they manage their toes. Tape? 

I'm seriously impressed by people who have like 5% body fat. I also think that they're crazy. I don't know how they're so disciplined to have such rock hard bodies. Show me a cupcake and I'll inhale it. I don't give a crap. I want it, I'll eat it. And that's why I'm not toned. I just like my sweets. I do think that I could have a good body if I just worked out a little bit. It's not difficult for me to lose weight. It's the motivation that gets me. I'll get into working out for maybe a month or two and then I just slowly lose interest and gain some of the weight back. 

I don't know how people run. I will never get into it. I'll walk, but I just can't seem to get into running. How do you do marathons? How do you finish it in one day? I'd be dying after mile three. Some people absolutely love running. What is wrong with you? Is there some kind of secret? Am I missing something? 

Do you know what I miss doing? I miss swimming. I wish I could find a pool that isn't crowded and full of urine. Actually, I need a swimsuit. I don't even have one. All my bikinis and swimsuits are in storage. Ah, my life is in storage, far away in Long Island. I miss my shoes, clothes, and purses. 

Anyway, I want to go swimming, but I'm way too self-conscious in a swimsuit. I hate my cellulite and stretch marks. I used to be really skinny up until maybe my mid-20s. That's when my metabolism started to slow down and I couldn't eat just whatever I wanted like I used to. I seriously could eat whatever, not exercise, and not gain a pound. Sigh, to be young again. Because of that, I've gained and lost weight quickly. As a result, I've gotten hideous stretch marks on my butt. I'm SO self-conscious about that area. It makes me feel so ugly, and it's not like you can exercise them off. 

I really shouldn't complain because it's not like I'm seriously overweight, but I've always been body-conscious even when I was young and very skinny. I refuse to wear tight clothing because I just don't want to be sucking in my stomach all the time. Muffintop isn't sexy, you know. I do see some plus-size women who walk around in tight clothes, but they seem confident and don't care about what other people think. I have to envy that kind of confidence. I wish I didn't care what people thought. Life would be so much easier. 

I'm going to try to be more active and really tone up. My brother's wedding is coming up and I need to get in shape. The dress I want to buy is very body-conscious and not very forgiving. I'm hoping I'll be able to fit into it and look good. Wish me luck.

Oh, and feel free to leave any comments. It would be nice to see who actually reads my blog. So far, I feel like I'm just talking to myself. But you know what? I'm perfectly fine with that. Writing out my thoughts and feelings is pretty therapeutic for me. Having a supportive audience would be a bonus. 

Practical Arrangement

I can't stop listening to this song. God, it's so achingly beautiful. I seriously feel like crying. Just listen to the lyrics. Goodness. So painful. "I'm not suggesting we'd find some earthly paradise forever. I mean how often does that happen now? The answer's probably never." "Perhaps you could learn to love me given time." Ugh. Those lyrics. So amazing. Sting, you're a poet. 

https://play.spotify.com/track/6g3RWUnmBXt3YiN1udVolV

http://youtu.be/NEn7KYHEpAk

Sleepless nights

I can't sleep. My roommate's going to be in Montreal for a week, so I've been listening to music for a few hours without having to worry about the sound. I can also sing as loudly as I want. I've come to realize that I know the lyrics to a lot of songs. I don't listen to the radio much, so I don't know what songs are out these days. I've been listening to music from the 80s and 90s and it's brought back so many memories. How come there aren't really any R&B groups these days? I really miss Jagged Edge, Dru Hill, Boyz II Men, 112, New Edition, Silk, Jodeci. I especially liked it when they wore the same clothes in their music videos. Ah, those were the days. 

I forgot what song I was listening to, but it was released in 1993 and it hit me that it was freakin' 20 years ago. The 90s were just about 20 years ago? Holy cowballs. Where has the time gone? Do kids these days think of 90s music as "old" music? I freely use the word "kids" now since I'm such an old fart. I'm totally going to go off on a tangent right now because when I write, I totally have ADHD. Anyway, I was walking around and I overhead three teenage boys talking. My God, this one kid was talking about how a girl was great at, um, orally pleasing him. "Oh my God, she slurps it..." I nearly died. I wanted to go up to him and say it's not polite to kiss and tell. Actually, I wanted to say that he shouldn't be doing things like that! I felt like I was his mother. Goodness, kids these days. And on another note, do guys really talk about stuff like that with their friends? How mortifying. 

Yeah, so I only mentioned that story because I remember thinking that they were kids and I just mentioned kids these days. I felt so old because I think of people under 21 as kids. I actually think that 21 is still pretty young. Wow, I'm old. I'm depressed. 

So what was I talking about? Oh yeah. Music. I love music. I miss playing instruments. I really want to buy a violin. I really miss it. I wonder if I still remember how to play. It's been years. It would probably be therapeutic. Lord knows how down I've been feeling these days. 

I guess I should try to go to sleep. Old people need to sleep and my body's suffering from the lack of sleep. The dark circles under my eyes are awful. I went to the deli to get some snacks and Skittles (I was REALLY craving for some) and I had no makeup on at all. I think the girl working there was frightened of me. I probably looked like a zombie. Speaking of zombies, I really miss 'The Walking Dead'. There I go going off on another tangent. My brain is scrambled. Zombies like brains. Okay, that's enough. Good night/morning. 

$1

I admit, I'm Asian and I'm terrible when it comes to math. Sorry, Kumon. You did nothing for me. Even with my horrible math skills, I know how much change I'm supposed to get back without much thought because I used to work for my parents at their 7-Eleven. Anyway, I feel like there's a pattern in my neighborhood. I keep getting change that's $1 short! I notice this right away, but I calculate it slowly in my head so I don't look like an idiot when I correct them. 

So is this is a coincidence or are they trying to be all sly about ripping me off? I'm not sure. It's happened many times. People here don't believe in receipts, either. They just put the price of your food or whatever in the cash register, but they don't put in how much money you give them. So they calculate it in their head as opposed to the machine doing it. It probably is just human error, but if I weren't paying attention, I'd probably lose quite a bit of money. There's even one store that has a sign about making sure you count your change before you leave. Once you leave they won't do anything if they've made a mistake. Do you know how much pressure that gives me? I count my change so carefully when I go to that store. It kind of scares me, actually!

It's really inconvenient that 80% of the stores here don't take credit cards. There are so many cash only businesses and it drives me crazy! You know what's lame? There are some places where they do accept credit cards, but they tax you. They don't charge you tax if you give them cash. How shady is that? No sir, I don't like it. 

It's past 3 and I'm complaining about cash only businesses. What is wrong with me? These are the random thoughts running through my mind at this hour. I would've lost $2 this week if I didn't count my change! Hey, it adds up! That's like two bags of Skittles! Mmm Skittles...

Despicable Me

Do you ever have those days where you feel like everyone is staring at you? I felt like that today. I probably look miserable. I feel hideous. I haven't been getting much sleep. The dark circles under my eyes are just lovely. And when I do sleep, I wake up nauseous. I am just tired, ugly, and mad. Fantastic combo.

There's so much I want to say, but at the same time, I don't want to put too much of myself out there. I think I'm a good person. I'm kind. I would never backstab anyone. I'll listen to your problems and help you. If you need to talk at 4 am, I'm here to listen. But why is it that I feel like I don't have someone like that in my life? I have close friends, but I feel like I'm a burden when I want to talk about my problems. I just feel so alone sometimes. If I didn't have my dog, I'd be utterly lonely. How pathetic is that? 

I'm the type of person who forgives people easily and doesn't hold grudges. I don't know if that's good or bad. I've been deeply hurt and wronged by people close to me, but I've forgiven and forgotten. Is it because I'm just a really nice person or incredibly stupid? A little bit of both? I don't deserve to be treated like shit, but I think I bring it upon myself. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs that I didn't do anything wrong, but why am I the one walking on eggshells, worried about other people's feelings, and completely disregarding my feelings? 

So maybe I'm a good person, but not quite good enough. Even when I feel like I'm doing something good and right, it ends up backfiring on me. So let me tell you a story as an example. I had a best friend who drove me home from college one time. When she dropped me off at home, she asked if she could have some money for tolls. I didn't have any cash on me, so I asked my mom. She didn't have any, either. I didn't want her to leave empty-handed nor did I want her to drive me to the bank and drive me back, so I simply gave her my debit card. I told her my pin number and said to take out whatever she needed. I trusted her. She was my best friend. She told me she'd come back in a few days and return it to me. A few days went by and she didn't return my card. Fine. That's okay. Maybe she was busy. I eventually had to go back to school and I still didn't have my card. 

I called her and she never picked up my calls. I saw her on AIM (AOL instant messenger) and IMed her. The person who responded said that it wasn't my friend, but a friend of hers. She said my friend was in the hospital and she was just checking some things for her. I totally didn't believe her. She signed off and I went on another account while I still kept my first account open. Turns out, she blocked me. I IMed her on my other account and asked her why she blocked me, and she just abruptly signed off. I called a mutual friend and asked if our friend was in the hospital. She said no, she was working at the bookstore. I eventually got my card back, but there was no apology, no note, nothing. She never paid me back, either. We haven't talked since and that was over ten years ago.  

You know what the stupid thing is? I've totally forgiven her. You know what else is stupid? I wonder if she's the one who's mad. Did she stop talking to me because I didn't believe her and busted her on my other account? Or because she's embarrassed? Or some completely different reason and I have no idea what it is? I miss her terribly, but I don't know why. She completely betrayed and hurt me. Why would I forgive her? Why should I care if she's mad at me? Like I said, I must be way too nice. 

I feel that people can change and I give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe sometimes I have too much faith in people. Maybe I'm just really scared of losing people in my life. I think I really need to change because it's just a vicious cycle. I think I may have to become a stone cold bitch. But can I really do that? I'm not that kind of person. Even if you hurt me, I won't hurt you back. Why do people think that being nice is being weak? I am nice, but I do have my limits. To me, being nice is easier than being a bitch. It's just not in my nature to be a bitch. I care too much about other people's feelings. Is that so bad?

Tired. Disappointed. Annoyed. Mad. Sad. Done. 

I hate this weather...

I didn't see much of the sun today. I guess it's good to get relief from the 95+ degree weather we've been getting. I'm not liking the rain, though. It would've been nice to have some mild weather in the 70s, sunny with no humidity. That damn humidity. It's the worst. Where is a place where it's always in the mid 70s, no humidity, and not too much rain? Heaven? I want to live there. 

I never know what kind of shoes to wear in the summer when it rains. I can't wear flip flops or sandals because that's gross. Rain boots are too hot. Sneakers don't go with everything. Flats get water in them. Same goes with pumps. Rain is just inconvenient. I mean, I know it's good for the grass, trees, and plants. It's certainly not good for my hair, though. Hello, crazy hair! Straightening my hair last night was a huge waste of time. I think I just have to give in to the fact that I'll always have frizzy hair.

You know what else is annoying? How rain gets your clothes all wet, especially your pants. Are there waterproof pants?! And not just waterproof, but also stylish. If not, I need to design some! An umbrella only protects so much. It doesn't protect splashing from the ground or sideways rain. Having wet pants stuck to your legs is so gross. So, you heard it here first. Cute, waterproof pants. I'm going to be rich. 

Regret

I read a quote somewhere about wishing life was written in pencil so you could go back and erase your mistakes and have a do-over. How I wish that were true. I've made some very stupid choices in my life that I regret terribly. Some people say that they have no regrets. I have many. 

A lot of dumb choices I've made have come from the fact that I care way too much. I wish I could go back to my 20-year old self and change everything. I believe that if I chose a different path, my life would be very different right now. But why do I even linger on that? It's not like it will change anything. I guess it's one of the biggest regrets of my life and I often wonder "what if?" 

I regret usually being the one who cares more in a relationship. I regret giving people too many chances when time and time again, they disappoint me. I regret not having a solid career. I regret my failed friendships. I regret not having a family at my age. I regret not having more friends. I regret doing things out of anger. I regret, I regret, I regret. 

So, what should I do? Maybe I should stop regretting. What good does that do? Maybe a lot of the things I have done aren't regrettable. Why should I regret caring when it was sincere and from my heart? At least I know that I never played around with people's feelings or intentionally hurt anybody. The few people I care about are special to me and if you take me for granted, then perhaps you'll be the one regretting. 

I mean, I still do regret some major things in my life. I don't think that will ever change. I just need to stop being so hard on myself. It's so difficult, though. I'll probably even regret writing this and making it public. However, I really needed to get it out of my system. It's not like I wrote anything profound or really meaningful to anybody, but I feel a little better now. 

I promise that my future entries will be less depressing. I was just feeling a bit down and needed to write about it. I promise to write more about chocolate, brownies, shoes, dogs, and everything else that I love. I know that I will never regret eating chocolate. Never.