Self-conscious

I'm still looking for a dress for my brother's wedding. I honestly have no idea what I'm looking for. It doesn't help that I'm incredibly self-conscious. What kind of shape do I want? Fabric? Length? Color? Gah! It's all too overwhelming. I've also come to realize that I have really big hips. My outer thighs are huge. I also think I have a long torso. This search has really made me feel crappy about my body. How do you even shrink your outer thighs? 

For as long as I remember, I've been very self-conscious. I remember when I was getting my senior portrait taken in high school, the photographer was extremely rude to me. I have pretty small eyes and I've always hated them. I guess I wasn't looking at the right place because he was getting frustrated with me. He actually said something like "What are you looking at? Do you have a lazy eye?" Of course, that made me very uncomfortable and I wound up looking terrible in my pictures. I seriously didn't know where to look at the camera. If he gave me some direction, maybe I would've known. And no. I don't have a lazy eye, asshole. I have perfect vision, which people with a lazy eye usually don't have. What kind of photographer says something like that? 

Ever since, I've been really uncomfortable when someone takes a picture of me. That's why you don't really see any pictures of my friends or relatives with me on my facebook page. I'm okay with taking pictures when I'm alone a.k.a. selfies, but I actually get very anxious when people take pictures of me. I try to smile, but I can feel my mouth quivering and my face getting hot. I usually look very awkward in pictures and I hate it when friends tag me in their pictures. 

It's also difficult for me when I meet new people. I think many people think that I'm standoffish when I first meet them. It's really because I'm very nervous. I'm so afraid that they'll judge me by my appearance that I avoid eye contact. This also makes things difficult when I go on a first date. I've done some online dating and goodness, I'm a nervous wreck. I think this is why I'm still single. I'm just way too concerned about how I look. I wish I could loosen up and just be myself. I think by not making eye contact and being really nervous, the guy probably thinks I'm not interested. Or maybe I'm just ugly. I don't know. 

I often think that I'm unattractive. I hate my eyes, I need braces again, I'm not in amazing shape, I hate the shape of my face (it's too long), I'm just a mess overall. I know guys like confident girls, so I'm shit out of luck in that department. I really wish that I could just not give a crap about what other people think and make people take me as I am. I really envy people who are outgoing and have no trouble meeting new people. 

So, I'll continue with my dress search. I'll probably wind up wearing something I don't love. I'll probably just settle. That's the story of my life.