Do you ever have those days where you feel like everyone is staring at you? I felt like that today. I probably look miserable. I feel hideous. I haven't been getting much sleep. The dark circles under my eyes are just lovely. And when I do sleep, I wake up nauseous. I am just tired, ugly, and mad. Fantastic combo.
There's so much I want to say, but at the same time, I don't want to put too much of myself out there. I think I'm a good person. I'm kind. I would never backstab anyone. I'll listen to your problems and help you. If you need to talk at 4 am, I'm here to listen. But why is it that I feel like I don't have someone like that in my life? I have close friends, but I feel like I'm a burden when I want to talk about my problems. I just feel so alone sometimes. If I didn't have my dog, I'd be utterly lonely. How pathetic is that?
I'm the type of person who forgives people easily and doesn't hold grudges. I don't know if that's good or bad. I've been deeply hurt and wronged by people close to me, but I've forgiven and forgotten. Is it because I'm just a really nice person or incredibly stupid? A little bit of both? I don't deserve to be treated like shit, but I think I bring it upon myself. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs that I didn't do anything wrong, but why am I the one walking on eggshells, worried about other people's feelings, and completely disregarding my feelings?
So maybe I'm a good person, but not quite good enough. Even when I feel like I'm doing something good and right, it ends up backfiring on me. So let me tell you a story as an example. I had a best friend who drove me home from college one time. When she dropped me off at home, she asked if she could have some money for tolls. I didn't have any cash on me, so I asked my mom. She didn't have any, either. I didn't want her to leave empty-handed nor did I want her to drive me to the bank and drive me back, so I simply gave her my debit card. I told her my pin number and said to take out whatever she needed. I trusted her. She was my best friend. She told me she'd come back in a few days and return it to me. A few days went by and she didn't return my card. Fine. That's okay. Maybe she was busy. I eventually had to go back to school and I still didn't have my card.
I called her and she never picked up my calls. I saw her on AIM (AOL instant messenger) and IMed her. The person who responded said that it wasn't my friend, but a friend of hers. She said my friend was in the hospital and she was just checking some things for her. I totally didn't believe her. She signed off and I went on another account while I still kept my first account open. Turns out, she blocked me. I IMed her on my other account and asked her why she blocked me, and she just abruptly signed off. I called a mutual friend and asked if our friend was in the hospital. She said no, she was working at the bookstore. I eventually got my card back, but there was no apology, no note, nothing. She never paid me back, either. We haven't talked since and that was over ten years ago.
You know what the stupid thing is? I've totally forgiven her. You know what else is stupid? I wonder if she's the one who's mad. Did she stop talking to me because I didn't believe her and busted her on my other account? Or because she's embarrassed? Or some completely different reason and I have no idea what it is? I miss her terribly, but I don't know why. She completely betrayed and hurt me. Why would I forgive her? Why should I care if she's mad at me? Like I said, I must be way too nice.
I feel that people can change and I give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe sometimes I have too much faith in people. Maybe I'm just really scared of losing people in my life. I think I really need to change because it's just a vicious cycle. I think I may have to become a stone cold bitch. But can I really do that? I'm not that kind of person. Even if you hurt me, I won't hurt you back. Why do people think that being nice is being weak? I am nice, but I do have my limits. To me, being nice is easier than being a bitch. It's just not in my nature to be a bitch. I care too much about other people's feelings. Is that so bad?
Tired. Disappointed. Annoyed. Mad. Sad. Done.
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