Self-conscious

I'm still looking for a dress for my brother's wedding. I honestly have no idea what I'm looking for. It doesn't help that I'm incredibly self-conscious. What kind of shape do I want? Fabric? Length? Color? Gah! It's all too overwhelming. I've also come to realize that I have really big hips. My outer thighs are huge. I also think I have a long torso. This search has really made me feel crappy about my body. How do you even shrink your outer thighs? 

For as long as I remember, I've been very self-conscious. I remember when I was getting my senior portrait taken in high school, the photographer was extremely rude to me. I have pretty small eyes and I've always hated them. I guess I wasn't looking at the right place because he was getting frustrated with me. He actually said something like "What are you looking at? Do you have a lazy eye?" Of course, that made me very uncomfortable and I wound up looking terrible in my pictures. I seriously didn't know where to look at the camera. If he gave me some direction, maybe I would've known. And no. I don't have a lazy eye, asshole. I have perfect vision, which people with a lazy eye usually don't have. What kind of photographer says something like that? 

Ever since, I've been really uncomfortable when someone takes a picture of me. That's why you don't really see any pictures of my friends or relatives with me on my facebook page. I'm okay with taking pictures when I'm alone a.k.a. selfies, but I actually get very anxious when people take pictures of me. I try to smile, but I can feel my mouth quivering and my face getting hot. I usually look very awkward in pictures and I hate it when friends tag me in their pictures. 

It's also difficult for me when I meet new people. I think many people think that I'm standoffish when I first meet them. It's really because I'm very nervous. I'm so afraid that they'll judge me by my appearance that I avoid eye contact. This also makes things difficult when I go on a first date. I've done some online dating and goodness, I'm a nervous wreck. I think this is why I'm still single. I'm just way too concerned about how I look. I wish I could loosen up and just be myself. I think by not making eye contact and being really nervous, the guy probably thinks I'm not interested. Or maybe I'm just ugly. I don't know. 

I often think that I'm unattractive. I hate my eyes, I need braces again, I'm not in amazing shape, I hate the shape of my face (it's too long), I'm just a mess overall. I know guys like confident girls, so I'm shit out of luck in that department. I really wish that I could just not give a crap about what other people think and make people take me as I am. I really envy people who are outgoing and have no trouble meeting new people. 

So, I'll continue with my dress search. I'll probably wind up wearing something I don't love. I'll probably just settle. That's the story of my life. 

Do I look fat in this?

I went shopping yesterday and tried on a bunch of clothes. A few hours of shopping and I came home empty-handed. Well, I bought three pairs of underwear, but who's going to see that? Nobody! Sigh. 

I was in a dressing room at H&M and overheard a girl asking a guy if he could see her stomach in the dress she was wearing. I could clearly hear the reluctance in his voice and he said, "Um, it shows a little, but will that bother you? It's fine if you're okay with it." She said, "I don't care! Doesn't this dress make me look skinny, though?!" I don't know if he was being really nice, if it was just a really tight dress and anybody with more than 1% body fat would look fat in it, or if she was seriously deluded. I wish I saw what she looked like. I'm thinking he was being way too nice. I also think she was probably fishing for a compliment, but didn't get one. 

I tried on a few casual dresses to wear when I go out with my girls, but ugh. I looked terrible. I lost some weight recently and I had the nerve to try on some tighter dresses. I think this has discouraged me even more! I had a pooch and no matter how much I sucked in my stomach, it was still there. I was totally bummed out. I thought my body was looking better, but I've been fooling myself. I'm still a flabby mess. I had my eye on a dress from ASOS, but now I'm having second thoughts because it's a very body conscious dress. 

Looking for a dress for my brother's wedding has been a complete failure. I don't think I'm THAT picky. It's my brother's wedding! I can't just wear some random, ordinary dress. It needs to be fabulous! I just can't seem to find the right dress. If I could do advanced sewing, I would totally make my own dress. I just don't see what I like. I'm the type of person who has to love something in order for me to buy it. If there's even just one tiny thing that I don't like, I won't buy it. Another problem is that the dresses I DO want to buy are just way too expensive. I know it's supposed to be a special dress, but I just can't justify paying over $500 for a dress. The only dress I'd pay that much for would be my wedding dress. I'm not the one getting married here, so no $500 dress for me!

I really need to start exercising more. I don't want to be a blob. I really hope I'll find a dress that I'll love or else I might just have to go to my brother's wedding in my bedsheets. 

Giveaway!

I'm a giveaway addict and I've actually been very lucky this year. From time to time, I'll blog about giveaways so you can enter, too! If you win, you better share the prizes with me! Today, I'll be blogging about Maryam Maquillage's giveaway with Glossybox and Beauty Addicts. First of all, I think she's absolutely GORGEOUS. When I was Googling around for beauty tutorials, I stumbled across her blog and I was just in awe with how pretty she is. I believe she's Eurasian. I don't want to brag, but I think any mix with Asian is usually absolutely beautiful. Why can't I find a mixed Asian man?! Hello, Daniel Henney. I'm single! 

Anyway, totally went off on a tangent. This is her YouTube video about her giveaway. Feel free to enter if you'd like. Maryam Maquillage Giveaway

Good luck! 

Working Out

I did Zumba today and I was terrible. I think I have two left feet. I mean, I think I'm okay with just dancing like whatever at a club. It's choreography that I just can't seem to follow. It was so embarrassing! Plus, I forgot to wear a sports bra and the girls were just all over the place. My two big toes are sore, too. It's from constantly hitting the inside of my sneakers. My toes don't hurt when I'm on the treadmill, so I don't know why my toes hurt so much after Zumba. I imagine tennis players have the same problem with the running and sudden stopping. I wonder how they manage their toes. Tape? 

I'm seriously impressed by people who have like 5% body fat. I also think that they're crazy. I don't know how they're so disciplined to have such rock hard bodies. Show me a cupcake and I'll inhale it. I don't give a crap. I want it, I'll eat it. And that's why I'm not toned. I just like my sweets. I do think that I could have a good body if I just worked out a little bit. It's not difficult for me to lose weight. It's the motivation that gets me. I'll get into working out for maybe a month or two and then I just slowly lose interest and gain some of the weight back. 

I don't know how people run. I will never get into it. I'll walk, but I just can't seem to get into running. How do you do marathons? How do you finish it in one day? I'd be dying after mile three. Some people absolutely love running. What is wrong with you? Is there some kind of secret? Am I missing something? 

Do you know what I miss doing? I miss swimming. I wish I could find a pool that isn't crowded and full of urine. Actually, I need a swimsuit. I don't even have one. All my bikinis and swimsuits are in storage. Ah, my life is in storage, far away in Long Island. I miss my shoes, clothes, and purses. 

Anyway, I want to go swimming, but I'm way too self-conscious in a swimsuit. I hate my cellulite and stretch marks. I used to be really skinny up until maybe my mid-20s. That's when my metabolism started to slow down and I couldn't eat just whatever I wanted like I used to. I seriously could eat whatever, not exercise, and not gain a pound. Sigh, to be young again. Because of that, I've gained and lost weight quickly. As a result, I've gotten hideous stretch marks on my butt. I'm SO self-conscious about that area. It makes me feel so ugly, and it's not like you can exercise them off. 

I really shouldn't complain because it's not like I'm seriously overweight, but I've always been body-conscious even when I was young and very skinny. I refuse to wear tight clothing because I just don't want to be sucking in my stomach all the time. Muffintop isn't sexy, you know. I do see some plus-size women who walk around in tight clothes, but they seem confident and don't care about what other people think. I have to envy that kind of confidence. I wish I didn't care what people thought. Life would be so much easier. 

I'm going to try to be more active and really tone up. My brother's wedding is coming up and I need to get in shape. The dress I want to buy is very body-conscious and not very forgiving. I'm hoping I'll be able to fit into it and look good. Wish me luck.

Oh, and feel free to leave any comments. It would be nice to see who actually reads my blog. So far, I feel like I'm just talking to myself. But you know what? I'm perfectly fine with that. Writing out my thoughts and feelings is pretty therapeutic for me. Having a supportive audience would be a bonus. 

Practical Arrangement

I can't stop listening to this song. God, it's so achingly beautiful. I seriously feel like crying. Just listen to the lyrics. Goodness. So painful. "I'm not suggesting we'd find some earthly paradise forever. I mean how often does that happen now? The answer's probably never." "Perhaps you could learn to love me given time." Ugh. Those lyrics. So amazing. Sting, you're a poet. 

https://play.spotify.com/track/6g3RWUnmBXt3YiN1udVolV

http://youtu.be/NEn7KYHEpAk

Sleepless nights

I can't sleep. My roommate's going to be in Montreal for a week, so I've been listening to music for a few hours without having to worry about the sound. I can also sing as loudly as I want. I've come to realize that I know the lyrics to a lot of songs. I don't listen to the radio much, so I don't know what songs are out these days. I've been listening to music from the 80s and 90s and it's brought back so many memories. How come there aren't really any R&B groups these days? I really miss Jagged Edge, Dru Hill, Boyz II Men, 112, New Edition, Silk, Jodeci. I especially liked it when they wore the same clothes in their music videos. Ah, those were the days. 

I forgot what song I was listening to, but it was released in 1993 and it hit me that it was freakin' 20 years ago. The 90s were just about 20 years ago? Holy cowballs. Where has the time gone? Do kids these days think of 90s music as "old" music? I freely use the word "kids" now since I'm such an old fart. I'm totally going to go off on a tangent right now because when I write, I totally have ADHD. Anyway, I was walking around and I overhead three teenage boys talking. My God, this one kid was talking about how a girl was great at, um, orally pleasing him. "Oh my God, she slurps it..." I nearly died. I wanted to go up to him and say it's not polite to kiss and tell. Actually, I wanted to say that he shouldn't be doing things like that! I felt like I was his mother. Goodness, kids these days. And on another note, do guys really talk about stuff like that with their friends? How mortifying. 

Yeah, so I only mentioned that story because I remember thinking that they were kids and I just mentioned kids these days. I felt so old because I think of people under 21 as kids. I actually think that 21 is still pretty young. Wow, I'm old. I'm depressed. 

So what was I talking about? Oh yeah. Music. I love music. I miss playing instruments. I really want to buy a violin. I really miss it. I wonder if I still remember how to play. It's been years. It would probably be therapeutic. Lord knows how down I've been feeling these days. 

I guess I should try to go to sleep. Old people need to sleep and my body's suffering from the lack of sleep. The dark circles under my eyes are awful. I went to the deli to get some snacks and Skittles (I was REALLY craving for some) and I had no makeup on at all. I think the girl working there was frightened of me. I probably looked like a zombie. Speaking of zombies, I really miss 'The Walking Dead'. There I go going off on another tangent. My brain is scrambled. Zombies like brains. Okay, that's enough. Good night/morning. 

$1

I admit, I'm Asian and I'm terrible when it comes to math. Sorry, Kumon. You did nothing for me. Even with my horrible math skills, I know how much change I'm supposed to get back without much thought because I used to work for my parents at their 7-Eleven. Anyway, I feel like there's a pattern in my neighborhood. I keep getting change that's $1 short! I notice this right away, but I calculate it slowly in my head so I don't look like an idiot when I correct them. 

So is this is a coincidence or are they trying to be all sly about ripping me off? I'm not sure. It's happened many times. People here don't believe in receipts, either. They just put the price of your food or whatever in the cash register, but they don't put in how much money you give them. So they calculate it in their head as opposed to the machine doing it. It probably is just human error, but if I weren't paying attention, I'd probably lose quite a bit of money. There's even one store that has a sign about making sure you count your change before you leave. Once you leave they won't do anything if they've made a mistake. Do you know how much pressure that gives me? I count my change so carefully when I go to that store. It kind of scares me, actually!

It's really inconvenient that 80% of the stores here don't take credit cards. There are so many cash only businesses and it drives me crazy! You know what's lame? There are some places where they do accept credit cards, but they tax you. They don't charge you tax if you give them cash. How shady is that? No sir, I don't like it. 

It's past 3 and I'm complaining about cash only businesses. What is wrong with me? These are the random thoughts running through my mind at this hour. I would've lost $2 this week if I didn't count my change! Hey, it adds up! That's like two bags of Skittles! Mmm Skittles...