Self-conscious

I'm still looking for a dress for my brother's wedding. I honestly have no idea what I'm looking for. It doesn't help that I'm incredibly self-conscious. What kind of shape do I want? Fabric? Length? Color? Gah! It's all too overwhelming. I've also come to realize that I have really big hips. My outer thighs are huge. I also think I have a long torso. This search has really made me feel crappy about my body. How do you even shrink your outer thighs? 

For as long as I remember, I've been very self-conscious. I remember when I was getting my senior portrait taken in high school, the photographer was extremely rude to me. I have pretty small eyes and I've always hated them. I guess I wasn't looking at the right place because he was getting frustrated with me. He actually said something like "What are you looking at? Do you have a lazy eye?" Of course, that made me very uncomfortable and I wound up looking terrible in my pictures. I seriously didn't know where to look at the camera. If he gave me some direction, maybe I would've known. And no. I don't have a lazy eye, asshole. I have perfect vision, which people with a lazy eye usually don't have. What kind of photographer says something like that? 

Ever since, I've been really uncomfortable when someone takes a picture of me. That's why you don't really see any pictures of my friends or relatives with me on my facebook page. I'm okay with taking pictures when I'm alone a.k.a. selfies, but I actually get very anxious when people take pictures of me. I try to smile, but I can feel my mouth quivering and my face getting hot. I usually look very awkward in pictures and I hate it when friends tag me in their pictures. 

It's also difficult for me when I meet new people. I think many people think that I'm standoffish when I first meet them. It's really because I'm very nervous. I'm so afraid that they'll judge me by my appearance that I avoid eye contact. This also makes things difficult when I go on a first date. I've done some online dating and goodness, I'm a nervous wreck. I think this is why I'm still single. I'm just way too concerned about how I look. I wish I could loosen up and just be myself. I think by not making eye contact and being really nervous, the guy probably thinks I'm not interested. Or maybe I'm just ugly. I don't know. 

I often think that I'm unattractive. I hate my eyes, I need braces again, I'm not in amazing shape, I hate the shape of my face (it's too long), I'm just a mess overall. I know guys like confident girls, so I'm shit out of luck in that department. I really wish that I could just not give a crap about what other people think and make people take me as I am. I really envy people who are outgoing and have no trouble meeting new people. 

So, I'll continue with my dress search. I'll probably wind up wearing something I don't love. I'll probably just settle. That's the story of my life. 

Do I look fat in this?

I went shopping yesterday and tried on a bunch of clothes. A few hours of shopping and I came home empty-handed. Well, I bought three pairs of underwear, but who's going to see that? Nobody! Sigh. 

I was in a dressing room at H&M and overheard a girl asking a guy if he could see her stomach in the dress she was wearing. I could clearly hear the reluctance in his voice and he said, "Um, it shows a little, but will that bother you? It's fine if you're okay with it." She said, "I don't care! Doesn't this dress make me look skinny, though?!" I don't know if he was being really nice, if it was just a really tight dress and anybody with more than 1% body fat would look fat in it, or if she was seriously deluded. I wish I saw what she looked like. I'm thinking he was being way too nice. I also think she was probably fishing for a compliment, but didn't get one. 

I tried on a few casual dresses to wear when I go out with my girls, but ugh. I looked terrible. I lost some weight recently and I had the nerve to try on some tighter dresses. I think this has discouraged me even more! I had a pooch and no matter how much I sucked in my stomach, it was still there. I was totally bummed out. I thought my body was looking better, but I've been fooling myself. I'm still a flabby mess. I had my eye on a dress from ASOS, but now I'm having second thoughts because it's a very body conscious dress. 

Looking for a dress for my brother's wedding has been a complete failure. I don't think I'm THAT picky. It's my brother's wedding! I can't just wear some random, ordinary dress. It needs to be fabulous! I just can't seem to find the right dress. If I could do advanced sewing, I would totally make my own dress. I just don't see what I like. I'm the type of person who has to love something in order for me to buy it. If there's even just one tiny thing that I don't like, I won't buy it. Another problem is that the dresses I DO want to buy are just way too expensive. I know it's supposed to be a special dress, but I just can't justify paying over $500 for a dress. The only dress I'd pay that much for would be my wedding dress. I'm not the one getting married here, so no $500 dress for me!

I really need to start exercising more. I don't want to be a blob. I really hope I'll find a dress that I'll love or else I might just have to go to my brother's wedding in my bedsheets.